We figured that we had done so many podcast on the spiritual side of relationships, communication, a little on intimacy but we hadn’t got down and dirty with something a bit off the beaten path. Anal play for men is something that does not get talked about enough!
Too many men associate having their ass played with as some kind of homosexual thing (and in that in a way, is homophobic) – that aside, the only thing that makes an act homosexual is the gender of the person you are being sexual with. Is your girlfriend suddenly a gay man if she enjoys anal play? I don’t think so! Then, why are you?
Charlie Glickman PhD has been a sexuality educator for over twenty years. He teaches workshops on a wide range of topics, including sex-positivity, prostate sex, sex & shame, gender & masculinity, sexual orientation, communities of erotic affiliation, and many sexual practices such as prostate play, anal sex, pegging, sex toys, BDSM, and polyamory. Charlie is certified as a sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
We talk to him about prostrate sex!
Hi Charlie! Is prostate sex play going mainstream? How would you convince a straight guy to try it?
I’m not sure “mainstream” is the right word, but more men are certainly trying it. Some of that is that there’s more info about it than ever before. Some of it is that more men are realizing that they don’t need to let ideas of how sex is “supposed” to be hold them back.
And a lot of guys who have explored G-spot play with a female partner and have heard that the prostate is the “male G-spot” want to see what it’s like to experience such intense pleasure.
When it comes to sex, it’s not a good idea to try to convince anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. That’s especially true for prostate sex, no matter who’s on the receiving side because your enjoyment and pleasure are directly linked to how comfortable you feel.
As one of the men in our survey put it, it works best when your mind, body, and heart are all on board. In particular, a lot of men have concerns about prostate sex, anal penetration, and masculinity. Rather than trying to push through them or to talk him out of it the best thing to do, is to work through them. That’s why we wrote an entire chapter in our book on that topic alone.
Having said that, prostate play can feel amazing and it’s a great incentive. Men often describe the pleasure as being like the first step of an orgasm, but rather than lasting a few seconds, it lasts for as long as you and your partner are doing it.
The orgasms often feel more intense, bigger, and more expansive. Some guys say that they feel less focused in the genitals and instead, take over the entire body. That seems like a great reason to try it!
How would you suggest a guy asks his partner to try prostate sex with him?
First off, get a little info. Our book covers everything you need to know about it, but if you aren’t ready for that yet, take a look through our website (www.prostatepleasureguide.net). There’s plenty of info and tips to get you started, and that can help you answer your partner’s questions.
It’s also helpful to bring up the topic when you aren’t having sex. Sometimes, it can be successful to be spontaneous in bed, but it can also turn into a train wreck. It’s usually better to talk about it in a neutral setting so that any negative responses don’t take over.
Try saying something like, “I read this website about prostate massage and it sounds like fun. Have you ever heard of it?” or “There’s something I read about, and I’d like to try it. Do you know anything about prostate play?”
These kinds of questions improve your odds. It can also help if a guy does a little solo experimentation first. That way, when he brings the topic up with a partner, he’ll have some direct experience with what he likes and how good it feels.
Do we need toys to reach the prostate? What are the essentials that we need?
Toys are a lot of fun, but they aren’t necessary. A lot of men enjoy massage, although it’s definitely a lot easier to do on someone else than on yourself. And toys provide sensations that fingers can’t manage. So I think of it as a different set of options, rather than an either/or.
Some really fun toys include the Aneros line. They’re perfectly designed for beginners, and since they’re hands-free, they make it super easy to add prostate play to other fun times. I also like the dildos made by Vixen Creations because they have a more flexible design, which makes them more comfortable.
The prostate is a couple of inches inside the body, and the anus is about 1.5 inches deep, so you’ll need something at least 3 or 4 inches long to reach. If your fingers are shorter than that, you can still manage since the pelvic muscles are flexible. Insert a finger and curl it towards the navel. The prostate is round, but it gets bigger when a guy gets turned on, so you might not be able to feel anything unless he’s aroused first.
Essentials: learn about anal play. The anus is incredibly sensitive, which means that there’s a lot of pleasure potential. But it can also be pretty delicate, so you need to go only as fast as the body can handle. Don’t copy porn for sex tips- not only are the performers seasoned pros, they don’t show you all the important details. For example, they warm up before the camera gets turned on, but that makes it look like you can dive right in. When people copy that, they can get hurt.
Everyone needs a good quality lubricant for anal sex, which is another thing they don’t show in porn. Water-based lubes clean up easily, but they dry out after a while and you’ll need to add more.
Silicone lubricants like Wet Platinum don’t dry out, but they need soap and water to clean up. Hybrid lubes like Wet Synergy combine the best of both- silicone for slipperiness with water-based ingredients that let you rinse it away. Look for a thicker lube, like a gel. Thinner formulas are great for vaginal play, but not so good for anal sex.
For safety, latex gloves are great because they make it easier to keep things clean. Plus, just take the glove off, and you don’t have to wash your hands when you’re done. Any toys you use need a flared base to keep them from going all the way in, and they should be made from a non-porous material like body-safe silicone.
And positions for prostate sex?
If he wants to be on his back, place a pillow under his hips to lift him up and put a gentle curve in his lower back. That’s more relaxing and makes penetration easier. Or try elbow and knees – that’s easier on the wrists than hands and knees.
Slight variations in leg position make a big difference, so you’ll need to experiment a bit. I also like the Liberator Sex Cushions because they give firm support and the cover simply unzips and goes into the washing machine.
You can have him stand while you kneel in front of him. That lets you combine prostate play with a blowjob for a super intense combination. Just have him lean on the edge of a table or the bed- he might lose his balance when things get going! He might also need to bend his knees a little to give you access.
How do we guide our partner to the right spot? Is it soft pressure we are looking for?
The tricky thing is that first timers sometimes don’t feel much of anything at first. It can take a little practice to be able to feel it. Other guys get fireworks the first time out. It can also feel like you need to pee, just like G-spot play. With a little experience, you can tell the sensations apart.
The prostate has a groove running from top to bottom down the back side, so if you can’t find it, try moving your finger a little to the side. And when he gets more turned on, that groove will go away as the prostate engorges, so even before you start looking for the prostate, start off with anything you enjoy- oral sex, a hand job, making out, whatever. That’ll help a lot.
A good amount of pressure to start with is about as much as you use on the keyboard when you type. Odds are that he’ll enjoy a bit more pressure than that, but if you go too hard, it can be uncomfortable. So start off lighter and ramp up.
What can we learn in your book?
We covered pretty much everything there is to know about prostate play: anatomy, common concerns, pleasurable anal penetration massage, toys, pegging (strap-on dildos), anal intercourse, combining prostate play and other kinds of sex, health issues, and more.
We surveyed almost 200 people about their experiences and questions, so we included it all. And even folks who have been doing this a lot have told us that they learned something new, so there’s a lot of good stuff there.
Thank you, Charlie. You can find more about the book here: prostatepleasureguide.net/
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