Jealousy, it can keep you up at night fretting, sweating, your heart can tighten and restrict the blood flow to your aortic valves. It’s not a desirable emotion, is it?
The evolutionary theorists tell us that the male generates jealous feelings to be sure that his sexual partner was raising his child and not another caveman’s child. They’ll tell us that the female is entrenched in rapturous jealousy because she does not want her man to be emotionally taken when raising a child together.
These are great evolutionary designs but they aren’t practical in modern life dating and relationships. Fortunately, the majority of men do not have the ambition to raise a child with ten different women and neither does a woman want a child with every man she meets.
Jealousy has passed its use-by date – it’s expired, we need it no more, thank you, evolution.
With all that in mind, as humans, we still get jealous. Whether we are with a primary partner in an open relationship or in a monogamous relationship, jealousy will still bite you now and again. This article is all about how to create less jealousy in relationships.
You have to lead with this from the start no matter what type of relationships you are in. Monogamous? Have an open conversation about the fact that you are going to have relationships (friendships) with people of the opposite sex, there might be an attraction there and you should talk about that attraction – communicate through it, never hide it. A lot of monogamous people will sweep this fact under the carpet. There will be no mention of an attraction to other people because you feel it will make your partner jealous and cause that stressful game-playing. This is why you have to have the conversation from the outset.
A simple “Okay, I love you and I want a relationship that grows and expands. We can’t deny that we might be attracted to other people, but it doesn’t mean we will act on it. I think it’s great to share our attractions and not hide behind them, neither make each other jealous as a form of manipulation. Let’s be happy and appreciate each other’s attraction and talk about everything. I want to share everything with you and I will only share my body with you.”
Then take the conversation from there...
If you choose to be in an open relationship, then, equally, communicate everything that you need to communicate to ensure the relationship stays healthy. Tell your partner about new lovers, and instead of choosing jealousy, be happy for your partner on their new experience. Share in the joy of what a new partner can bring to both your lives. Set boundaries on what you both think is going to be healthy for the relationship. This might be different for every single couple. One couple may only allow a certain type of sexual play, another couple will only allow sexual play if the other person is there, another couple may have total and utter freedom to do what they want. Honest communication in and around your desires, a little compromise that will get you everywhere you want to go in order to eliminate jealousy.
There can be absolutely no room for manipulation and games in any kind of relationship, if you want to grow as a person and if you want the relationship to expand. Games are child’s play, if someone is playing with you, walk away from them.
A relationship should be playful, not manipulative. The most common form of manipulation is non-communication or withholding the truth. Men and women have to be more honest with each other if we are going to have healthy relationships.
Commit yourself to be loving, truthful and above all thankful that someone wants to create such a beautiful relationship with you. Games, trickery or manipulation serve no purpose in a relationship. Eliminate them from your life. Be honest from day one.
You are the one who gets jealous so you must be the one to change it. Talk about what you need from your partner. If you are in a monogamous relationship and jealousy occurs, then think about why it occurs. Are you jealous because your partner is showing someone else attention? Are you jealous because he or she is out at night and you can only imagine the kind of attention they are getting? Are you beating yourself up because of it? Can’t you be happy for them instead? Is this possible?
If you are in an open relationship and your partner sleeps with someone else, then it’s something you will have to deal with – after all, you agreed to the open relationship. You may have agreed to it to try and deal with your jealousy, if so – we congratulate you. It’s not an easy battle but it’s a battle worth winning. It’s going to make your life so much easier.
Whatever your situation is, own up to your jealousy and take responsibility for it. It doesn’t mean ignoring it if it arises in your body, it means transmuting the feeling into something else.
If you have a loving partner they will try and help through your jealousy but you must be committed to beating it yourself, it’s not up to them to defeat jealousy for you. You must be committed to the job yourself. If you want to do it, you can do it – defeating jealousy is not an impossible task.
You don’t need an ego to beat jealousy, but you must love and respect who you are and not view others as people competing for your partner. We are all connected in some way, and being pulled into the ‘competitive game’ is a waste of energy. Go out and meet your partner’s new attractions and see if you like them too – you might well empathize with them! Most importantly, love yourself and see yourself as worthy of what you have. Your self-worth is important, so keep working at it. Love yourself, for yourself.
Jealousy does not have to be such a destructive force in your relationships. It may come and go, but with each wave, it will diminish. With each honest conversation you have about jealousy, it will go. Each time you confront it, things will change.
The only point of life, love and the universe is to expand. Jealousy causes us to contract, it’s useless to us as a species. Let it go and expand your universe.