At some point, we will feel ready to create a partnership in our lives. When meeting a potential candidate, there are questions we should ask ourselves. Does our potential partner resonate with us? Does she resonate more than just sexually? Is there a deeper connection? Do we like how she shows up? Does she align with our values? And more importantly, does she align with our core values? Core values are values that are non-negotiable. Core values are those values that, if compromised, preclude us from continuing our relationship.
Is our potential partner rooted in herself? Some ways to tell might be: She listens carefully and does not seem overly concerned with “fixing” our emotions. She allows us our process without getting into reaction. She voices opinions without necessarily feeling a need to defend them or needing consensus. She feels no need to brag or to show off. She shows integrity in her daily affairs. She expresses anger without slinging blame or guilt. She makes clear requests. She is accountable. She allows herself to be wrong. She self-discloses in an appropriate way. She is empathic without being ingratiating. She is sensitive to our needs without fawning. She is strong without being demanding. She sets boundaries without being hypercritical.
Now we can re-read the previous paragraph and turn the mirror back on us: Are we the kind of person we would want to have as a partner?
Our potential partner will always tell us ahead of time how she will treat us in the future—we just have to listen. Is she still friends with her former partners, or does she speak of them with contempt? Does she confess their sins and speak of how horrible they were; conveniently neglecting to mention that she chose them and that she was responsible for fifty per cent of those relationships? Is she perpetually the victim? Does she flirt and then feel contempt for men when they respond? Does she always need to be rescued? Is she cheating on someone with you? Does she tell how she got back at her landlord? How does she treat women that she doesn’t like? How does she treat people that she doesn’t need? Is there anyone she hates? Have you caught her lying? Can she be purchased? If so, what would be the cost? How does she act when she doesn’t know what to do? Is she accountable? What is her relationship with her family, particularly her father and mother? Where and how is she likely to not show up, to not look into her mirror?
Remember also that women’s perceptions of their former partners can be remarkably self-serving and one-sided. Before we get all pumped up in some self-righteous huff about that other asshole, we should remember that some women play men off against each other because they like to watch the sparks fly. It can make them feel desired as they watch those men jousting for them.
When we first meet our potential partner, we may be smitten. You know the feeling: our glands swell, our heart pounds, our eyes glaze over, and our brain switches off as blood is shunted to more urgent parts of our anatomy. Regardless of our hormonal or cardiovascular challenges, this is the time we should pay close attention to our potential mate. This is when we gather information about how she is put together. We compare values, feelings, and compatibilities.
Most importantly, we watch and listen. We ask questions. We listen to the answers. What do those answers mean? We extract possible meanings from the information, but we wait until we have had more time before drawing conclusions. We gather information but we do not make snap judgments. Red flags are noted and filed. If appropriate, we ask for clarification. This process may seem somewhat impersonal, but it’s a sane counterpoint to infatuation and hormonal obsession. Consider how many relationships we have had in the past in which we’ve ignored important signals from our partner. We need not judge her; we are just seeing if we are compatible. There are thousands of spectacular and well-differentiated women out there who would make terrific mates, but not for us.
Sexual compatibility does not a relationship make. It is only one vote out of many. Well, maybe more than one vote, maybe two or three. But it should not stuff the ballot box, rushing us into commitment. Depending on how high sexual compatibility is on our values list, we can navigate accordingly.
Rush To Relationship
Many of us over-commit at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes we are so desperate to get into a bed or a relationship or a marriage that we talk ourselves into things, things that are not based on reality.
Some of us will lie to a woman in order to get what we want, but this is not what we are discussing here. Lying to a woman - including lies of omission - in order to get laid is so far down the evolutionary ladder that it makes slime seem appetizing.
For the rest of us with at least minimal aspirations to integrity, in our blinding glandular rush to bond with another we often only see what we wish to see.
We may believe what our potential partner tells us rather than understanding that she can only tell us what she knows at that time. Like us, she may not have herself completely figured out. She may honestly believe that she is equipped to handle situations that in reality she is not. And we may think that we are ready to handle things for which we are not really prepared.
Seeing our woman as she really is and not as we, and she, would wish her to be is obviously very important. It becomes even more important if there are children involved in the relationship. If we are involved with a woman, we are almost always involved with her children to one degree or another, and she with ours. If we misunderstand the person to whom we are about to commit, we risk not only our relationship with her, but we also put the children at risk, as collateral damage, should things fall apart.
If we are Internet dating, the situation becomes even more treacherous. Geographical distance, pounding hearts, and swollen reproductive glands can make perilous bedfellows. We may think that the only way to really get to know our potential beloved is to move, either she or us, including career, family, home, etc. While this may be true, it also puts us at risk for losing much more than a potential relationship if we are hasty. This situation becomes even more convoluted and difficult to navigate as we get older, acquire property, and begin to have families. If we are far from our potential partner, we may have some difficult choices to make that involve more than just ourselves individually.
There is only one unpleasant and necessary solution for all of this. Time. In our rush to partner with our potential beloved, we may overlook the importance of getting to know her over time. We will need to see things over time, good and bad, as they rise and fall over months and years.
This is an excerpt from David’s book, How To Worship The Goddess & Keep Your Balls – Buy it here from Amazon.
David is one of the main teachers on our course and he teaches about understanding the masculine. To learn more, sign up for our free mini-course!