This article is based on an interview conducted and recorded with Israel Kanner on November 14, 2013. Israel is a Tel Aviv-based coach who teaches clients to achieve self- understanding and mastery of life through the body. Website: www.israelkanner.com. Full disclosure: He is also this author’s partner, in life and in bed. This article is all about how to control ejaculation.
It all began with a disgruntled female lover. After a kettlebell-related back injury in the winter of last year, the sex life of Israel Kanner took an unceremonious downward turn. The pain in his back was causing him to – sometimes voluntarily, sometimes involuntarily – ejaculate more quickly than usual. His lady was not pleased. She wasn’t aware that this change in bedroom behavior was due largely to his injury (the pain from which he hid impressively well). Instead, she took it as a sign that their relationship struggles were deepening and her partner was now more interested in a quick and easy orgasm than deeply connecting with and pleasuring her.
Searching for a way to understand why he felt so little control over his own body, not to mention to ease the icy tension that was building with his woman, Kanner found his way to the work of writer and spiritual teacher David Deida. Through absorbing Deida’s insights and instructions, and simultaneously experimenting alone and with his partner, a revolution in the way Kanner approached sex, the male orgasm, and masculine and feminine energy commenced to shake up his world.
The foundation for Kanner’s new understanding of sexual intimacy was the idea that sex is an expression of love through the body. That is, its purpose is not merely to procreate nor only to experience the pleasure of an orgasm. The deeper purpose is to show love and expand in love through the merging of bodies and the dance of two kinds of energy: masculine and feminine.
Kanner believes that true sex is actually neglected in adult life. He explains, “When I say that sex is neglected, what I mean is that there is no consciousness of what sex is. Usually, it’s a race to orgasm, whether it be a male orgasm (and then he falls asleep and the woman is frustrated on the side) or the woman’s orgasm. But it’s all going toward an orgasm. That’s it, ‘bye-bye’. But what are the fruits of sex? What is pleasure? What is sex expressing? That’s what is neglected.” This is why learning how to control ejaculation is so important.
“Ejaculation is natural, but for ejaculation to happen without it being your decision – not that it’s not natural, but it’s definitely less desired. . . – It’s not part of the concept I have of a healthy man.”
While ejaculation itself is a natural human process, Kanner describes the inability to control one’s ejaculation as unnatural. He invites us to imagine a scenario where two people are having amazing sex, everything is flowing, and then all of a sudden, BOOM. “Game’s over,” he bluntly states. “Why? It’s as if some force from outside decided it’s over. The physical expression of this force is the ejaculation. It’s like me wanting to travel from here to the next city and halfway through collapsing to the ground.”
For Kanner, something about this scenario seems utterly unacceptable. Yet, as many sex- loving women around the world know, it’s not so uncommon. We may pretend that we’re fine with it, or we may let our sweet partner think we believe it was their choice to ejaculate at that moment. But we all know when it’s a choice and when it isn’t. When it isn’t, consciously or not, we note it as a sign of weakness on the part of the man.
Kanner observes, “Ejaculation is natural, but for ejaculation to happen without it being your decision — not that it’s not natural, but it’s definitely less desired. It’s like we’re losing control of our own body all of a sudden. Now, for me, when I’m thinking of a healthy body and a healthy man, the possibility of him losing control over his body involuntarily is not natural. It’s not part of the concept I have of a healthy man.”
“We are wired to ejaculate whenever there is intense stimulation on our penis. Now, what we need to do is to learn how to deconstruct this habit.”
The first step of mastering ejaculation is learning how to breathe properly. Most men hold their breath during ejaculation. However, Kanner explains, in order to control ejaculation, and eventually direct it inward rather than outward, the breath needs to be circulated in a certain way.
On the inhale, the breath is taken deep down into the stomach. On the exhale, the air is circulated through the genital area, up through the spine, into the head, and finally out through the nose. This process of deep and slow breathing continues throughout the lovemaking, even during moments of fast and intense penetration.
Kanner explains, “What it prevents is the creation of tension and pressure on the genitals, the pressure that we feel at the root of the penis and balls. This pressure can be an expression of lack of oxygen, and then all of our awareness is [drawn] down there, and it’s packed. Out of this tightness comes the explosion. What we want to do is learn to let go off this tightness, so we won’t have to have this explosion.”
“I see everything. I feel everything. I’m consciousness that’s going as deeply as possible. Like an arrow.”
The second element of learning to how to control ejaculation involves masculine presence and consciousness, particularly in the midst of a woman’s pleasure and ecstatic orgasms. Kanner notes, “If everything is going right, she will enjoy herself a lot. And when she does there will be physical expressions: she will moan, she will scratch, she will say things, she will scream. And this is the trickiest phase in sex. We [men] need to stay here: “I see you. I acknowledge your enjoyment.”
According to Kanner, this strength of presence on the man’s part does not diminish his own enjoyment and excitement. In fact, he claims that it enhances it. He describes the male experience of these electric moments as achieving deep pleasure out of the woman’s pleasure. The pleasure of, as he describes it, “Baby, go wild. Be Nature. Be a woman. Be all over the place. Close your eyes… Do whatever you want, feel however you want. Tremble all over your body. I’m here. My eyes, usually, open. I see everything. I feel everything. I’m consciousness that’s going as deeply as possible. Like an arrow. And my enjoyment is being able to be this arrow.”
The woman’s sexual enjoyment, on the other hand, comes from being able to open as deeply as possible — in body, heart, and soul. It is the pleasure of surrender, wildness, and motion without boundaries. During sex, a female’s potential to experience this freedom and express such openness is intimately connected to the man’s deep presence and control over his own body, including his orgasm and ejaculation.
“ . . . [I]f you learn to contract this muscle, you will not ejaculate.”
The final key to mastering one’s ejaculation — and ultimately having mind-blowing, full-bodied orgasms (we’ll get there folks, hold on) — is controlling the muscles found at the base of the penis: the urethral sphincters. These are the same muscles that control urination. Kanner recommends learning to control these muscles by practising contracting and releasing them daily. He suggests two to three sets of 15 repetitions, resting in between sets.
One can also practice contracting these muscles while urinating, especially to make sure that one has identified the correct muscles. And of course, practice is especially effective during masturbation. One stimulates the penis until just before ejaculation and then contracts the muscles in order to prevent it. Practice makes perfect. “By doing this,” Kanner observes, “the mind automatically learns to distinguish between stimulation, orgasm, and ejaculation. Those things start to disentangle.”
Now comes the fun part. After a man has learned to control his body and prevent himself from physically ejaculating, he can then use his breath and presence of mind to re-direct the tension and orgasmic energy into the body, rather than out through the penis.
“You will see stars. You can actually feel the energy going through the spine up all the way and literally exploding inside your mind.”
Once ejaculation has successfully been prevented, an obvious question is where does the energy that was building up in the genital region go? Kanner points to the simple forces of nature. “Physics,” he says. “If it’s not going out, it will go inside. With the direction of the breathing, it starts to go up through the spine. There are tons of nerves all over our spine that go all throughout our body and some that go down to our legs. The orgasm is the tension exploding inside our own body, and this is orgasm without ejaculation.”
Breath and presence play primary roles in the magnitude of the orgasm that is experienced when ejaculation is successfully prevented. Kanner explains that if one is not maintaining a flowing circulation of air throughout the body, or if one’s mind is scattered at the moment the muscles are contracted, the orgasmic energy may indeed go inward and fill the upper body, but then it will slowly disperse and fade away.
On the other hand, if a man is fully present, as well as breathing properly with a relaxed stomach, the breath will direct the orgasm all the way up through the body. “You will see stars,” Kanner states with penetrating eyes. “You can actually feel the energy going through the spine, up all the way, and literally exploding inside your mind.”
Kanner believes that most men do not know how incredible male orgasm can be. He claims that the full-bodied, internal orgasm cannot even be compared to the ejaculatory orgasm in terms of intensity and pleasure. Moreover, unlike with ejaculation, internal orgasms allow the sex to continue even immediately after. This is because the energy has not been expelled out of the body with the semen (resulting in a flaccid penis), rather it has been circulated throughout the body. The penis will soften slightly because the tension has been re-directed elsewhere, but it will quickly harden with continued stimulation.
“There was a beginning, middle, and ending. I can create the ending by my ejaculation.”
Given the extreme awesome factor of internal orgasms, why, you might ask, would a man ever choose to ejaculate?
Kanner describes ejaculation as a physical act that expresses something. He shares that he usually decides before a sexual romp whether or not he wants to ejaculate. “And then,” he goes on, “during sex, I will ejaculate at a certain point when I feel that everything that I wanted to create inside the sex happened, and then now I can create one more thing in my ejaculation.”
Besides this, Kanner offers three other reasons a man might choose to ejaculate during lovemaking: “First of all, once in a while, there’s sperm that is created inside our genitals that needs to go out, just to release some of the tension and stress that is building there. Also, I think that to have fresh sperm in your body is very healthy. So this is already one good reason to ejaculate. Second of all, sometimes to ejaculate within the woman’s body, inside of her, can also express lots of love and connection. It’s a way to show how deeply connected the two of us are. Third, sometimes it’s just fun.”
Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The three reasons to ejaculate.
“[Being able to control male orgasm and ejaculation] establishes some sort of trust relationship between the guy and the girl.”
Reflecting on his journey of discovering the power of man and masculine energy to create and express within the realm of sex, Kanner observes how the effects of sexual self-mastery extended to all aspects of his life. He believes that his ability that he has learned how to control his ejaculation played a major role in establishing trust within his intimate relationship. It is deeply significant for a woman, he ventures, “…when you know that you can be in bed totally relaxed, knowing that your man will supply the goods, will be there, will give love unconditionally and with no boundaries of time.”
Even more importantly, Kanner adds with growing intensity, “I will know it myself as well. I will know, ‘I can give love all the time.’ And in a way, I can handle the world. Because when we’re having sex, for me you are the world. Nothing exists outside of you and me. And knowing that I’m fully there and I haven’t stopped all of a sudden, knowing that I can go on and on, it’s like, ‘Ok. And tomorrow I can go and be as creative as I want in my work, and in my relationships with people, [deal with] challenges, everything.”
Kanner ultimately has a back injury (and a disgruntled female lover) to thank for catapulting him headfirst on a quest for sexual understanding and self-mastery. But readers need not wait for such unpleasant motivation and inspiration. Kanner offers this challenge: “[Let’s] put sex in the front of our minds as maybe THE thing we’re exploring. It will eventually spread its energetic effects to everything else.”
Here’s to sex, a window into ourselves, a window into the world. How to control ejaculation is another master key to life.
About the author: Stephanie Lin is a spiritual construction worker, writer, consciousness adventurer, and life coach for awakening men and women. She is also a contributing author in the bestselling Adventures in Manifesting series. Connect at www.stephanieylin.com.