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How To Hear What Your Partner Is Saying & Feeling

 
 

This is a clip from our full course at ULS. To find out more about our course, please sign up on our masterclass video and email series.

Transcription:

Steve Burford: Welcome to this video on hearing and how it can improve your communication. Hearing is a really important aspect of how we communicate with our partners and our friends. So let's jump in the get you into some framework around this.

JP Sears: The first point is that there is listening; then there is hearing. For me listening has a lot to do with the literal comprehension of someone's spoken words. It's kind of like a linear or comprehension mechanism and then hearing is something different. Hearing takes us out of the literal and takes us more into this symbolic realm and I would even dare say a more exponential connection.

Steve: And much more into the heart.

JP: Amen to that. So I think there's great wisdom in language and hearing is a primary pathway into our heart. So, in other words, if we can hear our partner, it's us allowing them to enter the sacred space of our heart and I think that's a two-way street. We can listen to their spoken word. But can we hear their unspoken message? What are they really saying? What are they feeling (that they may not be saying)? This goes out of the realms of the science of communication, this is the art of communication. So we have to take a little bit of a risk. So when I hear what I like to do is reflect back. "Okay, listened to your words. Here's what I think I heard you say" and instead of just making an assumption... which if we look at the first three letters of the word assumption... that tells you what I am when I make assumptions and I don't want to do that. I want to respect my partner, so, "Here's what I heard. Is this what what you're actually saying? Is this part of your deeper message?" I don't want to assume that arrogant position and say, "Yeah, I think I understand your deeper message." I might be projecting a lot of myself, a lot of my biases onto that. So that's where we want to come from, becoming very still and it's much more of hearing with our feeling sensations rather than our eardrums and it sounds a little bit abstract talking about it because I think it is an art that we need to practice before we can be remotely confident with it.

Steve: Say if you've got something to say to me and it's important and has a lot of feeling behind it. Then I won't even reply to you until I've even felt it. Okay, I've felt what you're feeling. I might say, "okay, let me just sit here and feel where you're feeling." It's going to take some 30 seconds a minute at least. Maybe I do it more quickly once I've practised it, but just take that time and then respond. Because of our fast-paced lifestyle we're just constantly back and forth... text messaging... social media... non stop chatting and the super fast-paced lifestyle that doesn't serve anyone to sit into their feelings, or their soul, or their heart. If we just sit and be fully centered and then feel the other person and then respond. Say the words. "I hear you", "I feel you" and then repeat back to them what you think they might be feeling, that's a much more healthy way to communicate. 

JP: I think it for our partner, reflecting back to them what we heard it allows them to feel acknowledged. It allows them to know we've heard them and I don't know about you but that means something to me. It means something to me to know that she's heard me. 

Steve:  I think it has something to do with knowing that you exist and your feelings exist. If our experiences are pushed back and not assisted by a partner then it becomes a bit more laborious to go through a situation. As I write my book, we came down here in these realms of three-dimensional experiences to experience what the soul wants to experience. The soul wants to experience the emotion and emotions are just like a barometer for experience. If we were just two pieces of paper speaking to each other, there's no barometer for experience. We're supposed to feel our emotions and share them with someone. We're not supposed to be islands dealing with our emotions on our own all the time, occasionally we can do it. But when we're going to enter a partnership, we have the opportunity to share and be heard.

JP: Yeah my experience is that a lot of us won't hear our partner perfectly. My invitation is, don't let that stop you. So, when we share with our partner what we heard and we ask them, "how accurate is that?" Then for me, we want to extend the invitation of, "tell me more because I want to hear you exactly help me fill in the blanks and tell me what I got wrong." To me, that is very important because when our partner is talking to us, they've got an oasis deep inside of their heart and in that oasis is a message. It's important to them. Why? Because it's in their heart. It's very important stuff in there and we want to swim in those waters. So we might inch in a quarter of the way with our first round of "here is what I heard you say" and we might have missed a lot of stuff.  So by reflecting to them and then they reflect back to us, adding more precision then that takes us closer and maybe we reflect back again they tell us more. And they may finally say, "Yeah. You've heard me. Thank you." That tells us we're swimming in the oasis deep inside their heart. That's where we want to be. It takes a lot of humbleness in order to kind of bow down and become of service to their message. In those moments when we're hearing our partner. Our purpose in those moments is to be the carrier and receiver of their message. A lot of humbleness meaning we have to bring a lot of stillness to our ego and we have to be very willing to be wrong in order to even take a shot at trying to hear our partner because there's a lot of distortion. I mean we take a look at these chairs for example, they appear to be pretty solid but it's all distortion. Quantum physics would tell us these chairs in this card table nothing, but 99.99999% empty space but there's so much distortion that our five senses play on us that they appear to be solid. So if we take those numbers in realize auditorily we can very much distort what a person says, especially with their intended meaning. That's why we want to humbly acknowledge that distortion. We want to acknowledge I'm human. I'm not going to hear what you said. I'm going to hear my experience of what you said. So that's why I reflect back, "Here's my experience of what I heard you say how close is that to what you were actually saying and intending to say?" That helps us pierce the distortion that otherwise can be a big barrier blocking real communication.

Steve: So we've just created a very powerful video for you guys. To sum up, in terms of what we should be doing is to really feel your body when your partner has spoken everything they need to speak and then humble yourself in terms of what you need to know next and ask questions, "Did I hear you right? Is there anything else I need to know?" 

This is a clip from our full course at ULS. To find out more about our course, please sign up on our masterclass video and email series.