It’s now the men’s turn to find out what how to be better in bed for her after we discovered how to be better in bed for him. We asked some top tantrikas, love journalists and some ‘regular’ women
how to be better in bed. Here is what they said:
Elaine Young, 41 Elaine is a Shamanic Breathwork Facilitator and also a Sexuality, Tantra & Bodywork Coach based in London. Find her at www.thetanricshaman.com.
Presence: The most important factor of all is to be present in your body and with me, not replaying a porn shot or a fantasy.
Heart: You don’t have to be in love with me, but I need you to be able to connect to me and open your heart.
Passion: The ability to feel and express your desire and pleasure, and not to shrink back from mine.
Self-responsibility: Do not expect me to make things happen for you, take charge of your own sexual energy. I will not hold you responsible for my experience.
Communication & Boundaries: Speak your truth and listen to my truth. Communicate your boundaries and respect mine.
Playfulness: Do not take yourself too seriously.
Surrender & Awareness: The ability to let go, understanding the vulnerability of penetration… It is important that he has himself been penetrated or is willing to be…. before I allow him to penetrate me.
Affection & intimacy: Ability to give and receive… Feel me, explore me and let me do the same for you.
Patience: The ability to enjoy the journey, not rushing to the finish line acting like the journey is just getting in the way of the main event.
Science: Some basic (at least) understanding of the female sexual anatomy and function.
Ego Management: Not crippled by self-image, vanity and performance concerns.
Hygiene: Cleanliness is next to godliness.
The list above is basic and is not exhaustive but notice nowhere does it say he must have a large penis or bank balance and the car he drives has no effect either. As someone who practices and teaches tantra, breathwork and conscious sexuality, there are many advanced techniques I could add which are expansive, exciting, able to bring intense pleasure and altered states of consciousness however these are not listed as I do not believe they are required for a man to be ‘good’ in bed.
A moment of mind-blowing sex… Intense pleasure and deep emotion can be experienced from very short simple connections if the Top 12 is present. I once experienced an epic style movie run of pleasure, desire, emotions bringing me close to tears, energy racing through my whole body to my fingertips and toes, breath panting and heartbeat racing and pre-orgasmic waves rippling through my sex… what were we doing I hear you ask was it tantric sex? BDSM? Roleplay? Pose no 5 of the Kama Sutra? None of the above. Five minutes of still penetration with no movement at all, only presence, surrender and two open hearts.
So, for those who want to know more about the extended version… Here is a little taster, but please be aware the Top 12 should come first and foremost.
Ejaculatory choice: Men who have control over their ejaculation can choose to end love-making sessions when both parties are ready to complete.
Penile sensitivity: Men who have overly practised fast and hard masturbation can lose a great deal of sensitivity in the sensations they can feel in their lingam (tantra for the penis). Greater sensitivity can allow men to feel the more subtle erotic energies without the need for constant hard and fast thrusting, this can expand the womans and man pleasure.
G spot: Men who know how to locate and give stimulation to a woman’s g spot can add a different dimension of pleasure to a woman’s lovemaking experience. It can also be very horny for men to experience contributing to and witnessing this type of pleasure.
Female ejaculation: Men who are comfortable with female ejaculation can allow a woman to feel comfortable ejaculating in his presence. This can also give added pleasure to the man.
Breath: Men who understand the importance of good breathing techniques can expand the intensity of sexual energy experienced by both parties, it can increase their presence and can extend orgasm.
Foreplay: Men who understand the primary and secondary sexual centres of a woman can heighten pre-penetration arousal.
Masculine & feminine: Men who understand that both sexes hold within us masculine and feminine energies and who can allow themselves to embody both of those polarities are more able to receive and be in surrender if they can embody their inner feminine aspect. Equally, if they are able to see and allow the inner masculine aspect of the woman to be expressed, they allow her to be in her wholeness.
How to be better in bed for her is about the rawness and power of absolute masculine presence. This is unbelievably sexy for a woman. I think it’s how to be better in bed, always. I think it’s conveyed most potently through the eyes. Penetrate your woman with your eyes at the same time you penetrate her with your body, and watch her melt in ecstasy. This kind of absolute presence also makes the sexual experience very animalistic and earthy, which is an amazing experience for a woman. One of the primary differences between humans and animals is that animals are always in the moment, neither thinking about the past or planning for the future. They rely purely on their incredible instincts and seem to know exactly what to do, without needing to stop and think. If a man can tap into his inner animal, perhaps by connecting to his spirit animal, and develop the power of presence in bed, he will always know how to create pleasure in his woman in any given moment. He will not be caught off-guard by her movements or emotions. There will be no clumsiness or hesitation, which can be quite a turn off for women. No thoughts, just intense connection and flow.
Sex really is like a dance. Someone needs to lead. When a man is in masterful control of the divine dance of sex, the woman can let go and simply ride the rhythm with a blissful feeling of freedom and safety. When a woman knows that her partner is strong, present, and in control, and therefore directing the energy in a way that brings them into deeper and deeper connection and more and more intense pleasure, she doesn’t need to think or plan or hold any tension in her body or mind. She can just let go and flow with the energy, allowing the display of her beauty and wildness to drive her man crazy with love and devotion. The element of surprise in bed is also an amazing way to please a woman. It creates fun and lightness but also is a huge turn on because it shows the man’s mastery and control of the sexual space.
We’re not talking about emotion or sentimentality. We’re talking about the pure energy of love that cuts through all boundaries, fear, and so-called imperfections, and connects soul to soul. Without this kind of love, things fall flat. You can be the most handsome, strong, and smooth man in the world, but if you’re fucking a woman without the energy of love present, you’ll always feel like something is missing, no matter how great the physical pleasure. Without love, only one part of your being is involved, not the whole of it. The pure energy of love is not something that needs to be accumulated or generated over time. It’s always there for the harnessing. Pure love can exist even between strangers.
So can there be pure love in a one-night stand? Sure. The reason it’s not common is because most of us have accumulated layers of protection over the years that prevent us from experiencing and expressing love without some warming up first. Men have an incredible power to focus their love in a way that melts fear and creates a space, often in bed, for the experience of the deep, soul- penetrating love that we all desire. When this kind of love, masterful control, and absolute presence is there in the bedroom, you simply can’t go wrong. Everything about this combination is so, so right. It’s bliss for both man and woman.
How to be better in bed for her is not just about inside the bedroom…
I love, love, love to feel vulnerably feminine. I’ll never forget one time when I had to get out of bed to go to work, and my guy didn’t let me. He pretty much grabbed me, forced me to stay and was inside me before I could even protest. It was so hot and so sexy to just be taken control of like that. I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to worry, I just surrendered to him and I felt so free. Not to mention it felt a little naughty and it felt a little secret.
How to be better in bed for her: I also love a partner who truly understands what I am capable of and isn’t afraid to let me be strong—when you allow me to unleash my passion in full ferocity. I’ve enjoyed many times slamming my intimate partners against walls, which makes me hot, to feel in control like that.
How to be better in bed for her: Confidence is always sexy in and out of the bedroom—not only in attitude but how you place your hands on me, when you take control of a situation, ordering a drink for me before I have to think about it. If a man can treat me a specific way outside the bedroom, it’s a huge turn-on for when we get into the bedroom. I love how my guy stops me in my tracks as I’m walking out the door somewhere just so he can look at me, admire what I am wearing and tell me how sexy I look in it, I’m pretty much hot for him still by the time I get home. It can be as simple as that.
How to be better in bed for her: Make me feel beautiful, treasured, like a queen (not a princess – they are two different things). And that can turn me on far more than any “physical” triggers making sex; all the more thrilling not only for YOU, but for me. I feed off of things like that, so if you worship me (not to be confused with being placed on pedestals) you can pretty much count on the fact that I will worship you –it goes hand in hand.
How to be better in bed for her: When we’re rolling around in bed, I mostly want you to be in control. But there will be times when I want to take the reigns. Let me, I know you want to. Usually the first entices the latter and your confident control fuels me to want to take control back. Sex should feel like a kind of dance of give and take, take and give.
How to be better in bed for her: It’s a bonus if you can control or prolong your orgasm, but not required. I was with a guy once who could do this, and it made every sexual session just that much hotter, saving it for “in-a-little-while”. I was literally wet for 24 hours (more). Even though we weren’t having sex for every single of those hours it felt like we were.
How to be better in bed for her: I want you to talk to me in bed, let me hear your voice (I will talk back). Say my name, softly, kiss me…I want to taste you and smell you at the same time (often). Kissing at the same time we’re fucking. Make me feel like what you’re doing to me is only for me and for nobody else. Whether it is saying something to me, kissing me in such a way, even giving me prolonged eye contact – it can be the perfect thing to make me feel hot. I will crave you and show you just how much.
I love it when you let me feel how physically strong you are. When my guy puts his hands on my hips and moves me up and down on him like he wants it. Don’t be afraid to rough me up a bit.
I also love how you treat strangers, love your kids, handle your issues; your capacity for humility and compassion—all this is a turn on when handled right, because, when I’m rolling around in bed with you at the end of the day (or maybe midday or between meals or bent over a table) what I’m seeing in my mind is these moments of YOU in your human action and just the right thoughts of you is enough to make me orgasm. For women, it begins in the mind.
So how you handle yourself and me outside the bedroom plays a very huge role as to what makes my body hot for you in bed. (And in the right context, may sometimes get you seductively slammed against a wall unannounced).
I am sorry to say it, but you should forget about perfect manuals on how to be the best lover you find in almost every lifestyle magazine. If you want to really be confident in sex, go and explore. Fulfil your desires, meet and connect with people and find what is true for you in bed. This will build up your confidence. Because what you do from your heart and you are familiar with is always the best.
How to be better in bed for her: What women want in bed is that we love surprises, show us your initiative and your creativity. Challenge us with sensitive care; make an offer that will gently poke our hidden fantasies. Lead us to the space held with love and care, so we feel safe and secure. Don’t forget, good sex is not only about penetration!
How to be better in bed for her: Explore what her body likes. What kind of touch or sensation does she like? Spread the bliss over her whole body. Kiss and touch every single nook of the body with intention. The neck, ears, hands are very recommended places, to begin with. If you feel you get lost, read her body language.
How to be better in bed for her: Keep eye contact; remember we are here while you are lost in your own fantasies. Be real, free and fluid. We may also surprise you when we take over the power with our own initiative, and be ready, we can be creative too.
How to be better in bed for her is about being a good man who is fearless. He can hold the mood and space with confidence and joy. He is capable of communicating what he wants, and if he doesn’t receive the same in return, he is more than willing to help his partner discover themselves more deeply.
He is not afraid to take while also being happy to give and receive. He is especially more than happy to accept and be taken. He is adventurous and carefree, comfortable with discussing the act of making love and open to new ideas.
He is good with all physical appendages and is not stuck with just his dick. He also enjoys the variety. He teaches and learns…. He loves going down, like a fat kid eating cake.
He is SAFE. That means tested, condoms, discussing his history. He doesn’t just shove his dick inside without introduction. Things are not rote nor are they rushed.
Safe also means listening and respecting his partner’s no.
One of my favourite experiences was when the guy was incredibly attentive and giving. He took his time and I could tell from his sounds that he was definitely enjoying himself (sounds are important!) He also asked for what he wanted, requested to do things to me, asked for some feedback (‘you like that?’, ‘what would you like next?’, etc). We ended by sitting across from each other, hands clasped, feeling each other’s energy. Then we lounged around naked for a few an hours or so. It was entirely comfortable and sensual.
How to be better in bed for her is all about openness with his body and hers. How to be better in bed is about the confidence and comfort to explore each other’s bodies and the willingness to give and receive pleasure. I love a man who will sit back and let me pleasure myself while riding his cock. I love a man who will explore my body with his fingers and tongue, taking his time, finding the sensitive places in and on my body.
How to be better in bed for her: I love a man who will let me play with his body and his cock, touching and tasting his skin, finding what pleasures him. I love a man who will kiss me deeply while we’re making passionate love. I love a man who makes a lot of noise. Who moans and groans with pleasure. Who will fuck me hard when I need and want it and gently, lovingly when I need that too. I love a man who’s willing to explore new experiences sexually.
Like this? Please share with your friends!
Image: AdobeStock - Versus Studio